i’m not through

Went to my beloved London. Loved me back as always. Visited Hamptons Court for a Katie Melua concert.

Overwhelmed by the atmosphere. The music, the wind, the castle… amazing.

Saw Lion King, the musical. Clapped my hands like a euphoric child.

Ate great food, walked till my legs were swollen like tractor tires, laughed my head off, had beer and stuffed with various types of chocolate cake.

Bought great jeans from GAP, according to tradition. Bought stupid things just because they were in London. Didn’t mind.

Came back. Saw Rock of Ages. Reminded me of teenage and youth. I mean youth in years, ’cause I don’t feel a day older than 14.

Started aqua gym. Got a tan. Look and feel great. Gathered great pictures & great memories.

Don’t even bother with political games that poison the social networks and mass media. I don’t believe any of this shit. They induce paranoia, it’s all just make-belief, no stake, no gain, no loss, no control.

Heard about 3 people that had strokes. All three around my age. Two recovered, one is in a coma.

A former colleague of mine died under suspicious circumstances. Overdose or suicide. Much younger than me.

I don’t want to end up like this.

On the other hand, I don’t believe half of the suddenly illuminated people around me. They get it wrong or they just hide behind a cool ideology.

I try to live a beautiful life and remain quasi sane.

24hrs of stand up comedy

Last Thursday I was supposed to attend a one man show with the best stand up performer I’ve ever seen. I was prepared for an hour of incessant laugh – I’ve seen his shows before and I already knew I’ll laugh my head off.

What I wasn’t prepared for was that life beats the show and the comedy that my life is. So on Thursday morning I heard the best joke in a long time that goes like this (I shall try not to waste the savor in translation).

Two old friends meet for a beer and one of them starts complaining:

- I don’t know what’s wrong with me, i’m saying the wrong thing all the time.

- How come?

- Well, I was in the park the other day with my kid and a lady was selling colorful balloons. And I wanted to admire them, but it came out: “wow, great boobs!”

- Oh, something similar happened to me, I was having breakfast with my wife and I wanted to say: “honey, would you pass the butter?” and I heard myself saying: “you fucked up my life, you miserable bitch!”

*** 

Later the day, I received this image that I couldn’t resist posting on FB, as I found it irresistible:

 

***

Here I need to break the story with a moment from the actual show: the classic moment when a man is sent for tampons by his wife and he’s embarrassed beyond words to ask the druggist.

So he mutters: “I need tampons…” with the inevitable answer/ question “What kind?” where the man usually feels like shouting: “the ones that plug the CUNT!”

*** 

Moving on with my day, I made a trip to a studio for a recording. I asked the receptionist to get me a cab. I didn’t listen what she was saying but after she hung up, she said: “3 minutes”. I asked “where from?” (as in from what company should I expect the cab?). The answer was: “from out front”. I snorted amused and darted out to laugh properly.

In the evening, FINALLY, the actual show, where I really, truly believed I shall have a stroke or choke with laughter. I drank a bucket of water and was still blue in the face.

We continued the evening to a wonderful restaurant and back home.

The next day, I was supposed to buy a bottle of alcohol for preparing a specific drink. From my entire shopping basket, obviously, the alcohol wasn’t perceived by the code bar reader. So the cashier started shouting: SECURITY! COME CHECK THE ALCOHOL PRICE! THE LADY’S ALCOHOL NEEDS A CHECK!!! WHAT KIND OF ALCOHOL??? IT’S JUST ONE KIND, GO TO THE ISLE! THE PRICE FOR THE LADY’S ALCOHOL!!!

I was leaning against the counter thanking God I didn’t buy tampons, condoms or vibrators. I just looked like an alcoholic middle aged lady, one of the many so who cares.

So that’s how my stand up hour turned into 24 hours of perpetual laughter which I felt like sharing with you. Never pass an opportunity to laugh, keeps you young for longer! 

Why would I rather watch M.A.S.H. than Seinfeld?

 

Let’s take it from the top.

It seems there are 4 types of stories:

extraordinary stories about extraordinary people

extraordinary stories about ordinary people

ordinary stories about extraordinary people

ordinary stories about ordinary people

The last one is hardest to make interesting. From this point of view, Seinfeld is amazing. It’s a story about NOTHING with ordinary people. OK, I admit it’s indisputable value.

However, MASH is about extraordinary people in extraordinary circumstances, trying to stay sane in the midsts of chaos. The humor is different and the heroes are inspirational. Heroes in the original sense of the word. They survive the horror with pranks, sex and alcohol. They don’t become mean and selfish, but continue to save lives, to recognize good from evil and so on.

Yesterday a friend of mine told me I have the uncanny ability to identify the “good” in people and an equal disability to distinguish mean and ugly. Well, this pleases me immensely.

During the weekend I attended a seminar on discrimination. At one point, the speaker mentioned fairy tales, where the princess patiently waits for her prince to save her and this is not healthy for the little girls.

First of all, I wrote on this subject long ago. Second, I disagree. At least as a child, she should believe there’s a prince somewhere. She has an entire life of disappointments afterward.

Even at this age, I do believe in heroes. No, not in the Prince Charming that comes to my rescue. This is bullshit. But I believe in Superman and Hawkeye Pierce. I believe in people with minor flaws and major qualities, people who can make a difference, extraordinary people with extraordinary stories.

For me, my superheroes are my beloved ladies who have infinite resources of strength and beauty to save animals. I recharge from their shining light and I feel better about myself just because i’m allowed in their presence.

I admire the artists I know, because I’m rich and filled with joy to listen to their music or watch their works of art. Most of them are narcissistic selfish creatures, but I don’ give a fuck. I love them as artists, they are so much more necessary to this species than some mediocre decent people.

So there you go: I’m surrounded by Seinfeld characters every day: mean, petty, stupid. So I need the sanctuary of heroes. That’s why I prefer M.A.S.H. 

balance

Last weekend was my kind of spiritual time. It was Orthodox Easter and I celebrated Lord’s Resurrection my way.

First of all, I was surrounded by people that make me feel good. I had talks about spirit, soul, afterlife, reincarnation, guardian angels, spiritual influencers and spiritual guidance, patriotism, respect for history, inheritance, humanity, environment.

Beliefs I support, practices I cherish. No, I’m not going completely mad, but there are a lot of things beyond our immediate reach that I praise.

Second, I don’t feast. In any way. I ate well, drank good wine and had wonderful love making. I saw God so many times. Yes, i’m a sinner, get over it.

Third, I communed with nature. I walked miles and miles, I admired the beauty of trees, sky, water, Earth. I thanked it, I cherished it. I inhaled deep and held my breath. I price good air like a good orgasm. Equally valuable.

I almost never pray to God by asking for things, I almost always thank him. This wonderful spring, I thank him for the beautiful people that enrich me with every talk we have, every new thing I learn from them.

I thank Him for granting me time to watch in peace the Spring coming to life: the cherry trees blossoming, the magnolia blooming, the forsythia, and now the all might lilac spreads it’s magnificent shades of purple and nonpareil scent.

I imbibe in spring scents, spring sky that changes 6 times per day from gloomy to sparkling blue, my chestnut tree that looks different every day, sunrises and sunsets, the beauty of life.

And finally, a lesson in humility: you have Johnny Depp, a Hollywood star that has everything. He’s able to savor like a pure child the company of his idol – Keith Richards.

Watch the way he looks at Keith, like a kid opening Christmas presents and be the same: don’t take anything for granted, be grateful for everything life brings your way. Be happy, be content, be balanced.

Tragedy means loss of a loved one or an incurable disease. Whatever else happens it’s experience. Not tragedy. Stop waiting, start living.

 

something new… for now

My first Mac. Never thought I’ll use one. I am a fervent PC believer.

But… as so many times before, “never say never”.

Again a year when I shouldn’t plan ahead, as life surprises me terribly.

For example, I swore I shall not return in London until the Olympics are over. Well… in June I’m going.

I thought that as long as recession is still so strong, I shall not travel. Well, besides London, I’m already planning two other trips abroad.

I’m writing this text not because I have anything interesting to say, but to get accommodated with my new toy.

Kind of Lorem Ipsum or Brown Fox Jumps whatever.

OK, I’m rambling. Let’s find a topic.

Like, for example, what is a fulfilled woman?

Is it that complete perfect creature that exists only in Hollywood movies? A mother, a daughter, a wife, a successful career woman? Does she exist or is it just a figment of some sick imagination meant to ruin our self esteem, like the photoshopped airbrushed superwomen in fashion magazines?

A friend of mine was whining the other day: “I want a man to protect me, to support me, I’m tired of doing things on my own and saving myself”.

I answered without missing a beat: “Oh, yeah? Name ONE! One couple, where the woman is feeble and helpless, with a strong male figure beside her!”

She couldn’t.

I continued in a righteous rage: “can’t you see? We are here to shelter them. To drag some loser that weighs us down. Even when they seem strong and independent, they become needy sooner or later. Rather sooner than later. You can depend on a man for only ONE sure thing: to let you down sooner or later. Oh, and by the way, no matter WHAT happened, he’s a cheat, a drunk, a loser… it’s YOUR FAULT. You didn’t understand him, YOU didn’t support him (enough).”

And if ANYONE intents to contradict me, PISS THE FUCK OFF. You’re in denial. Yes, wether there’s a man beside you, YOU’re carrying him, it’s NOT the other way around. One way or another, he’s depending on you and at some point, he’s too lazy to move on. 

Or maybe it’s just me.

i remember you

There’s a cool magazine that asks male public figures to tell tales about lost loves. The chapter is entitled “it wasn’t meant to be”. Most of them have stories about puppy love, innocent flirtations of childhood, others use the opportunity to trash former lovers.

Never mind. I was discussing this with a friend. A female friend. We both agreed that if the shoe was on the other foot, we couldn’t cope. I mean… I wouldn’t expose myself like this. And I have no idea what to write on this subject. Probably after all I don’t have what it takes to be a writer, as some or most writers base their stories on personal experience or experiences of people close of them. 

I don’t know what to say on the subject. First of all, I have a very poor memory of childhood loves. Second, they were too many to collect or recollect. I used to fall in love every week. Some were boys my age, some were movie actors… Who can remember? Nothing important, as most of them weren’t shared. That’s why I used to move on very fast. And not care too much. Maybe I blocked some memories, maybe there weren’t any memories to have. No idea.

As for more recent affairs or relationship… what is there to write? They are no better than other’s. Every story is a cliché. Boy meets girl. They are together for a while. Might be a night, might be 15 years. They fall out of love, IF there was any love to be lost. One of them cheats. Or just leaves. Usually cheats. That’s it.

I was thinking that I am one of the few people who didn’t like the movie/ book Love Story. Of course, I can quote from it: “What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died? That she was beautiful and brilliant? That she loved Mozart and Bach, the Beatles, and me?” / “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

But it didn’t impress me much. On the other hand, I saw probably 20 times or more A Little Romance. An obscure movie almost 10 years later. I don’t remember any quote, but I fell in love forever with Diane Lane. I already loved Laurence Olivier. I dreamed of a love like that. I still dream of it. I’m a naïve teenager, not a smart ass student.

Yup, probably this is what I would write: I didn’t like Love Story, I loved A Little Romance. And the sarcastic question: “What if Romeo and Juliet lived?”

There’s no happy end in a love story. It just ends.

righteous rage and misplaced peace

Lately I saw two divergent trends of mindset: people who are righteously enraged by all sorts of injustice and people who are shut tight in a pink bubble of serenity borderline stupidity.

It’s very hard to keep a balance, but I prefer rage. It’s alive. The only thing is to keep a balance, not to drain yourself uselessly with fake causes. The old saying “choose your battles”.

Otherwise you risk to be consumed by rage and that’s not the point. The point is to be able to DO something, to CHANGE something. (sorry, I’m quoting from a Honda ad).

Try not to get sucked in every lost cause, every ad placed on social networks or every hysterical news piece. Help whether you really can, don’t become just another bearing in a mechanism that serves others. Don’t become a stressed and neurotic puppet, victim of system manipulation, stay alert and wise.

On the other hand, we have the so called serene ones: people prone to be seduced by religious and exoteric bullshit, cheap philosophy about the energies of the Universe that would collude to bring good luck, potency, beauty, a smaller nose or bigger tits.

It’s obvious up to a point that a sunny attitude makes you more likeable. But be reasonable, don’t expect mountains to move just because you smile like an idiot the entire day, you post motivational quotes on FB and you send idiotic mails to a hundred of your closest friends that don’t really know who the fuck you are.

You expect miracles but don’t actually change anything major in your life, your attitude, entourage, job, or diet… whatever makes you want a change. You just believe in “positive thinking”, you don’t want to get upset by anything that happens around you – socially, environmentally, politically.

The perfect tool to be manipulated. Life goes on around you, the enraged ones go out, shout, maybe make changes, but at least they DO something, they get involved they don’t wonder “where the fuck did my life go and what have I done with it?!”

And I still don’t mind. OK, it’s your choice. Contemplate life, don’t live it. I don’t judge that maybe you’re not able to live. But STOP preaching!!! Stop explaining to me how pretty it is to stay positive. How you know for a fact that any ailment is generated by a bad attitude. How material things don’t matter (this is said usually while caressing an opulent high end bag and living in a mansion). How easy it is to live beautiful.

You know what, I’d rather be enraged, but alive. I fight for my beliefs. Sometimes I fight with a smile, but it’s still a fight. I make mistakes, I get angry, I get upset, I calm down, I’m happy. I LIVE. My way. Let me be.