Once upon a time there were some men, definitely men, no woman would be this cruel that thought “let’s see how dumb women are. Let’s see what we can make them wear.”
Then they concocted the UGGLIEST shoe in the world. A piece of sheep sewn on a chunky sole. Heartless as they were, they didn’t have the guts to call it “daisy” or “pretty” or “sweetie”. It wouldn’t have hold water. No way. So the had the decency to call them uggs. As they were UGLY beyond imagination.
Next step: how to convince women to wear such hideous accessories by their own free will.
Let’s pay some cool Brits to wear them and we’re on.
Enter: Sienna Miller and Kate Moss – the epitome of Brit laid back cool.
In a few months, the fever spreads, everybody wants to look like those two. Like they don’t care what you think of them, they don’t want any man to consider them sex toys. Well, honey, I bet you’re safe! They are the best contraceptive ever invented!
The Ozzies can’t believe they pulled this one!
An entire globe of females put on the sheep hides! They wear it during summer too, for Christ sake!
And a season passes, and another one, and another one…
Several years later, I was in London, browsing through Westfield – only the largest shopping mall in London. I swear to God, there was a SINGLE store with a queue outside – the Ugg one!
Women, what’s WRONG with you?!
Last winter, Earth forgot it’s supposed to go through its own menopause – global warming. It was a COLD, tough, long winter. High snow, blizzards, frost, record low temperatures.
I survived quite well in a pair of over the knee D&Gs and short Miss Sixty military dark grey boots.
This winter, the Miss Sixtys called it quits. I adored them because they were lined with wool and pull ons. Very easy to put on, cosy, warm and everything else.
The D&Gs look withered too.
In January, I tried on a pair of funny lilac veeery soft leather Italian boots lined with fur. They were so friendly, funny, fuzzy, feminine… and furiously expensive even on sale at 50%. Even the most friendly and fun boots in the world can’t make me pay 500 euros! Really. I’m no movie star after all.
So after give or take a decade of scorning and bickering, I caved.
Yes, I have a pair of uggs. With the instruction manual, warranty, congratulation card and everything that comes with them to mess with your ego.
This week it was cold. But… you see… the MOTHER of cold. No less, I marched in the snow with no care in the world, as the ugly creatures repel cold completely! My feet feel happy. And when my feet feel happy, I’M HAPPY.
I still consider them repulsively ugly, but they grow on me. Right, like fungus.
But, it seems those malevolent Ozzies are on to something.
As EasyPeasy puts it: “they had two things in mind: your right ovary and your left ovary.”
This is the purrrfect opportunity for me to talk about the perfect pair of shoes.
It’s like the perfect partner. I don’t believe in a lifetime partner, as you might already know. I mean the perfect partner for NOW.
The one that suits your tastes and needs for the moment. It might be a partner you wouldn’t even notice in another moment in time or who wouldn’t make any impression on you, as it doesn’t meet your requirements.
Think long and hard and question yourself: is there anyone in your past that you would like to meet again?
If there is, google him/ her or search any available social network. You never know what you’ve missed 😉
This is the way to look for the perfect shoe.
Don’t diss any shop, you never know what treasures you might find.
Also, check your closet from time to time. As I have a wide selection of shoe shapes and colors, I can simply dig in my own home for the ideal partner for the night.
The perfect shoe should be love at first sight. The one pair that stops your heart for a moment.
But don’t be superficial! This might be the love of your life, a crush or the crash – the detail that might ruin an entire evening of fun.
Try them on. They must FEEL good and look good on YOU. Your foot, your ankle, your calf, your entire attire should be flattered by that shoe.
Stare thoroughly at your feet in this pair of gorgeous shoes.
Then check yourself in a mirror from head to toe. Front, profile and back. Is it still the perfect pair?
Ok, at least do you feel like you’ll be comfortable soon? No major pains, just the feeling of new, unworn shoe?
Now compare again with the perfect partner: does he look sexy? Do you feel a thrill? How about what he has to say? Is he remotely intriguing? Is he the promise of white nights filled with love and sharing? Do you feel you can comfortably lean on him in times of sorrow, but he’s also the man beside whom you shall be happy?
How does he fit in your current life/ wardrobe? Does he match?
I know that in some time – days, months, years – the shoe doesn’t work any longer.
Your needs and your figure change, you can afford something better, they look worn out, the heel or the tip is bruised, the shape is slouchy, the color has faded.
But at least in the beginning, I’m begging you: ask yourself whether this is the one you want.
Another contraption will annoy me this summer. After the Uggs and Crocs it’s time for these awful ankle platforms.
I shall be aggressed by strangled shanks in chunky summer booties. The way women understand to take the extreme of every trend and they don’t get that some shoes belong exclusively on stage, on the catwalk or in the X-rated movies.
I know what the magazines recommend, I know you’ve seen models and starlets wearing them.
But DON’T. Especially in dark colors. They will shorten your legs no matter how lean and toned they are.
You shall look stumpy, trust me.
If you really, really, really can’t live without a pair, you succumb to peer pressure, chose them in nude and/ or not above the ankle.
But please, DON’T wear them in dark colors and chunky shapes. They are truly hideous and not at all feminine.
All right, all right, if you fall in love with a pair of black ones – match them to harem pants or rolled up boyfriend jeans, NOT shorts or minis.